We have had quite a few friends and family ask us about our adoption journey. It was a very short journey and our family needed some time to heal before we shared any details. I hope that our story can help others or if anything help people to understand that it’s okay to “fail” at something that so many make sound so simple and seamless.
It’s a rare thing lately that we get off the farm for a day in the “big city”. We had headed out for the day (March 6, 2016) for some space from catering to the every needs of our girls (aka cows). On the way home, my mom sent me a text:
do you want a two-year old girl?
I immediately sent a text back:
yes!
Who?! Call me.
She wasn’t getting back to me soon enough, so I called her. My mom is always getting herself into something. Be it a teenage mother that needs help, a drug addict trying to turn his life around or just about anything of the sorts. So I wanted to know what she was talking about or getting herself into.
She answered the phone and quickly began to explain.
She had run into an old high school friend and they began talking. Her daughter wasn’t doing so well. We grew up together, we played together and our moms were friends in high school. She as so many others in our small community had turned to drugs and simply could not turn her life around. In the midst of it, the state stepped in and took her daughter. To make matters worse, they were planning on terminating parental rights.
The grandmother, my mom’s friend was frantically looking for someone to step in and raise her.
Insert me. Insert us. Insert my husband and I. Insert the start of the most craziest thing we have ever done.
I told my mom that we would take her. The foster care system had been on my heart for over a year now. We never moved forward. We needed more information, we need to talk about it and needed to pray about it. We needed to consult my husband’s parents to get their insight/wisdom. We needed to process it.
The following week I was standing in the DSHS office talking to the social worker. It was then that I was informed that I needed to take a background check and start the process to become a licensed foster care provider. It seemed as thought this would be a fairly simple process.
I attended the foster care orientation on March 21st. It was there that learned that this was not going to be such a simple process. In fact, there was a lot that needed to be done in order to get my license. It was the end of March and I knew our busy season on the farm was coming quickly so I needed to get it all done fast. It needed to be done by June.
April 4-30, 2016 | Classes the entire month-long.
May 5, 2016 | Social Worker Visit- A visit with the social worker to introduce her to the family.
May 11, 2016 | Transition Planning Meeting- Creating a plan to move her from the foster home to our home.
May 13, 2016 | Weekend Visit to the Farm- An overnight visit to get to know us before permanent placement.
May 20, 2016 | Brought Her Home to the Farm
May 23, 2016 | Doctor Visit- A requirement to be done within the first 72 hours after receiving a child into your home.
June 15, 2016 | Adoption Planning Meeting- Starting the official adoption process.
So as you can see, it all happened fast. Very fast. Insert all sorts of emotions. Insert a whole lot of confusion. Insert a whole lot of highs and lows for our family. Insert chaos. Insert a little girl into our home that just needs to be loved and cared for. A little girl who needs a mom and dad. A little girl who just wants to be loved.
What I quickly found out that just because you have a heart to do something, it doesn’t make you the right person for the job or even more so the right person for the child. When you have a farm and three children, jumping into a broken system just might not be the right place for you or your children. That was the hardest thing to discover. We knew not long into the placement that we had gotten into something that we shouldn’t have. She deserved the very best and we were not it. So we waited patiently and prayed for the right family to be found.
At the end of July she went to live with a new family, an amazing family. There are so many details I simply am unable to share nor would I if I could. I can honestly say that those four months were the hardest four months our family has ever experienced. I felt like a complete failure. I am so very thankful for several foster/adoptive women that have shared their stories with me and have given me great comfort in knowing we did the right thing and that I did not fail the child. I did what was best for her because I truly cared about her. What a sigh of relief to have support instead of judgment in such a hard time.
We decided to not finalize my license and not continue within the foster care system. I can honestly say, that having the heart to do something doesn’t mean that you should. My heart is still tugging at me to be part of the change. I continue to pray for the child as she will always have a special place in my heart, I pray for the foster families, the parents and I pray for the children that are part of this very broken system. AND I pray for you reading this. If you have foster care on your heart, pray about it, research it, take time, don’t rush things and if you decide that it’s not the right choice for you. That is okay, there are other ways to support the families within the system.
Krista Stauffer
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Krista, you recognized something many don’t, that the system is broken and it can make what should be easy, far more difficult. I looked into foster care after my youngest left home and to fill the numbness that set in. With my situation the way it was, I couldn’t move forward.
I have my so very sweet and friendly Finn sheep now and their large guardians that fill that void for the most part now.
Am very glad you did what you did even though it was painful and have shared.
Happy New Year
Thank you. <3
Wow. I never thought you’d share that story. Easy to see that not being the right fit ripped your guts out, but I’m so happy for her and for your family that doing the right thing (for her and for your family) was more important than forcing it.
You are a truly lovely woman of God and I’m so glad that you are my friend. Thank you for sharing this painful story – I’m sure that it will bless others.
It especially helped when other families shared their stories from “forcing” things and how it is best for everyone involved to acknowledge something isn’t going to work out then pretend it will. It’s been in drafts for a couple months, finally felt like time to hit publish.
After 3 years, 3 months and 15 days our youngest was finally adopted through the foster care system just before Thanksgiving. We got him the day after our license was finalized and even though it took forever, it was worth the wait. That’s our success story.
Our failure story is the five year old girl we kept for the hardest 10 weeks of my life. This is the most difficult failure of my life, one I think about often, even two years later. My heart aches for her because the real failure isn’t the social workers or the foster families or her own set of flaws, but her birth family– who by the way have their own horror stories. People aren’t messes and you can’t clean them up.
I still do what I can. But only what I can.
And for anyone who’d like to know HOW to help foster families: take meals when new children arrive in their home– it’s a lot like welcoming a baby but no one else cares; babysit for an afternoon or become licensed for respite care so you can keep foster children over night (it’s much easier than a regular license); donate new or nice items– not your tossed-out junk– to places that give items to foster parents. Car seats, strollers, cribs, mattresses, blankets, backpacks are all helpful. Look for local Facebook pages and follow conversations to see what’s needed in your area.
I love this. We donated our carseat and several other items to another family. I am also looking into starting a project locally to do just this in the new year. Like you said, there are so many ways to help without taking the placement.
Krista, I love reading your adventures and it helps me, as a new farmer, more than you will ever know.
This is one of your adventures that I could have written. I know the emotions, the roller coaster. My mom didn’t text me about a child, it was a girl the same age as my daughter. I had only seen her in karate class with my kids. She asked if she could have a sleep over with my daughter and I agreed. After that, she asked if I could be her mom. All I saw was a sad, needy young girl and she needed me.
I was busy with life so I also rushed to do my classes, home visit and put together our adoption plan. I knew it would be hard because this young girl had not been “raised” and it would take lots of patience.
Her social worker ended up being a great friend to me and I am so thankful. She helped me realize that I am not a failure.
The young lady ended up being the opposite of what I had thought. I took her back to the judge and the judge confirmed that I was making the right decision. It still killed me and caused so many issues with my family.
My family eventually recovered and my kids never mentioned her again.
I’m glad that you shared your story. It’s good to know that I’m not alone.
Happy New Year! ?
AND right back at you. It hurts then comes peace knowing you made the right choice. <3
Thanks for being transparent. i am an adoptive mom and thankful for open adoption. We also had a birthmother who chose us and then changed her mind. God knows your heart, and it is great to look for other ways to support foster children besides placement. Blessings as you continue to grow.
As a dear friend, I know how hard this was on you and your family and I am so proud of you for how you handled it when it was happening, that you prayed about it, you listened to God and recognized that it just wasn’t the right path for your family, and also importantly, for her. You are so brave and courageous to share this with the world, as the ‘other’ side of ‘failed’ adoptions is rarely talked about and this will help SO MANY PEOPLE. God bless.
Thank you for sharing. Even though it didn’t work out it sounds like it turned out good for the little girl. God has a plan for all of us and I admire for you for having the courage to take the plunge and give it a try. God bless!